


you are so brave and quiet i forget you are suffering

by flxss



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Is Gay, M/M, Major Illness, Not Actually Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:28:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27152483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flxss/pseuds/flxss
Summary: How does Jared get through this? Does he? How does Richard reconcile his emotions in such a short time? How do repress repression when all you can think about is comforting this person in front of you?Jared is ill, Richard doesn't know how to cope and he needs to be there for him.
Relationships: Jared Dunn/Richard Hendricks
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	1. waiting for you room

I feel anxiety. Again. No, it’s not new but this is different. I’m sitting outside a hospital room, waiting. Once again, not new. But this time it isn't for me. That’s an anxiety I can cope with. When I feel like my own worries are surrounding me I can move, it’s like a familiar sweater I can zip up and carry on with my life in, This feels like…. Nail polish. Years old nail polish that I’d forgotten about and now that I’m wearing it, it feels gloopy and sticky; it feels like I can’t move my hands for fear it might rub off. 

The clock is staring at me, ticking. How long is it going to take? I can’t deal with this. Jared shouldn’t have told me about this. I’m not the right person. Even Gilfoyle would be better. I can’t- I can’t emotionally handle this. He knows me, he knows that I- Ugh, I pull both hands over my face and sigh. Is he done yet? I just want to know what’s happening. It won’t be long, I’m telling myself. It won’t be long. It won’t be long. The only person I know who could deal with this is Jared. And still. He has no choice but to. I have a choice. Not really. 

I don’t know why I’m here. Well, that’s a lie Richard. You’re here for him. And well, as I know I can only tell myself the truth late at night. When no one can hear. That’s when I allow myself to actually look at him. Across the room I watch as his chest rises and falls. It still does that. 

Now the door is opening. I can hear Jared’s faint voice saying thank you to the doctor. He’s shaking his hand. His voice sounds like it's cracking. I can’t do this. I stand up, wait for him to turn around. I don’t know why, but when the door closes he stares at it for a few seconds. He doesn’t move. 

“Jared?”

Oh. When he turns around, I get it. His eyes are red, soft still, but wet at the edges. I bite my lip, I don’t know what to say. We look at each other and both sigh. 

“Are you okay?” I want to touch him, hug him, tell him it will be alright. My feet feel fixed to the floor. What if it isn’t alright? I can’t let myself imagine that. Instead I lift my arm, it just reaches his shoulder and I hold it there. I rub my thumb in a circle there for a moment. 

“Uh....Yes,” He’s trying to be happy, for me I guess, “I’m alright Richard, absolutely great!” 

“Jared, look you don’t have to do this, not for me-”

He’s staring plainly at me now, “It’s not for you Richard, let’s go home.” I muster up a smile and let go of his shoulder. My arm drops at my side. It’s him who walks away first. I follow after him.


	2. i wish i could cry

We’re sitting in the car, my hands are on the wheel tightly. Why didn’t I just say something to him, why am I not saying something now? If I don’t ever speak then maybe life can stop. If my words sit inside of me, then maybe so can everything else. None of it has to come out. Ever. None of it can anyway, we have… life. Yes, exactly, It will all be okay. I swipe my eyes away from the road for just a second, looking at him, his lip is trembling, I still don’t know what he was told in that room. 

Okay, I can do this. It takes a second go before a noise comes from my mouth. 

“Uh, Jared?”

“Yes, Richard.” How can he still sound like he’s smiling? Is that more for me or for him?

“What did they- What did they tell you?”

“I have to go back tomorrow for more tests, but it’s all just procedure now.”

“Procedure?”

“I am dying Richard, you can say it.” Oh my God, no I can’t. I cannot say it, if I say it then I have to face it. Instead I just look at him, my lip is trembling now. He is still stronger than me. He is still the one to say what needs to be said. I am the lingering unspoken promise. The one thing we can’t admit to each other.

I look in front of me again. We’re back at the house now. Through the windows I can see the lights are on, Gilfoyle and Dinesh are on the sofa waiting. Even Jian Yang is there waiting, a rare sight after his recent success and secret boyfriend that he thinks nobody knows about. Gilfoyle and Dinesh aren’t fighting, they’re sitting closer now. I guess things like this do that, for some people. We walk through the door as two people, alone. 

Jared walks straight past all of them, I guess he’s going to sleep in the garage. I let him go. No one expected me to stop him. 

Jian Yang is the first to speak, much to all of your surprise. I bet he’s living for this drama. Then he can find a new tenant, use this to drive us out. Maybe I’m being too harsh on him. “What happened?”

“Uh procedure- I mean he’s going back tomorrow. I don’t know anything else.”

“Should we go and… See him?” See, Gilfoyle is better at this than me. Anyone is. I can’t cope. 

“Maybe we should leave him be. There’s no one he’d want to talk to right now.”

Yeah, that’s warranted. They’re staring at me. Duh. 

“Fine, I’ll talk to him. I’ll leave him for a bit. I need to shower.”

Gilfoyle actually looks worried for me. I can see his hand sitting right next to Dinesh’s; they think they’re subtle. “Richard, are you okay?”

“Y-Yes. Of course.” I turn away from them with no more words. What do I have to say to them? How can I say that I wish it were me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Help my mind. <3 Flo.


	3. i want to hold your hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can you solve anything?

My hair is still wet when I go to see him. I didn’t really notice it before, in the warmth, but against the cool air of the garage it stings. Fuck, I should have brought him a blanket. Or an extra sweater. I wish I had my other clothes on instead of the t-shirt and sweatpants that I threw on for bed, then I could give him mine, He hasn’t seen me quietly open the door so I turn around and gently close it again. I turn around and look in the darkened room - They’re all sleeping now. I guess they gave up on me going to see him. I know I couldn’t do it while they’re waiting outside, expecting me to do what they know isn’t possible. They all know, I can feel that they do. 

When I walk back into the garage I drop the blanket on the bed. Jared turns and looks over his shoulder, blank at me. He’s so pale, he looks cold. I want to touch his face. I stand on the other side of the room:

“Hi.” I don’t think he knows what facial expression to make.

“I know you don’t want to talk to me, I realise that now. Perspective,” He shrugs. I take a step forward, I feel I’m frowning involuntarily. 

“Is that what you think? I- I thought-”

He looks so genuinely confused.

“I thought you knew me? Do you think I’ve been… ignoring you because I don’t care?” At that his eyes soften, they droop. There is another emotion in there I can’t place. He moves onto the edge of the bed and scrunches his nose up.

“I know you Richard Hendricks.” I step closer again.

“You can’t stay in here. You should come back into the house. It’s freezing in here.”

“What does it matter if I’m cold? In there, I am sick. In there, I am no longer Jared Dunn. I am Jared-” He pulls a face, the one of pity on Dinesh and Gilfoyle, “Dunn.” I get it, I do. But his face is like porcelain, tinted blue. 

“I know you Jared Dunn.” He’s holding back a smile, I guess I am as well. We hold our gazes, at night time we are bolder, less caring about what we always uphold. That imaginary barrier is weakened. Then he wipes his eyes, using both hands as he usually does when he exaggerates.

“I’m tired, Richard Hendricks.” He lays back onto the mattress, his eyes expect me to leave now. We’ve talked, I’ve done my bit. But his eyes also look so very lonely; Maybe that’s just my own reflection in them. My fingers tap against my thigh, I bite my lip. Then I do it. 

First I sit on the bed, he jumps a bit. He’s been like that lately, especially near me. He doesn’t think I notice. He’s sitting up again. 

“Lie down Jared Dunn.” He does as told. I can hear his breathing deeper, that makes me nervous. At least he’s breathing. I lie down on the bed, I can hear myself breathing. Through the thin layer of my t-shirt my arm presses against his. We both look up at the ceiling. The top of my arm is pressed against his, but I can feel his hand now. Is that intentional? I hope so, because I grab it. Now he’s breathing harder. Maybe that is me. Or both. Why am I about to laugh? It isn’t funny, none of it’s funny, but I can’t help myself. When I giggle, in a way that I think I will be embarrassed about later, he does too. Then we’re both lying, holding hands, giggling. Giggling like geese, is what he’d say. He doesn’t say that, he stops giggling too when I tighten my hand.

“Jared, I’m not going anywhere” He rests his head on my shoulder, warming my cold, wet head. It’s stunted because of the angle, and his height (his feet are hanging over the mattress) but it’s sweet. I glance up at him, his skin is not tinted blue anymore. His cheeks are warm, I need them to stay that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a short fic but i like it, maybe i will add in the future

**Author's Note:**

> This is super sad, but I wanted to claw some emotion from my heart because I love them so much. Hopefully the ending can surprise me. Please leave a comment telling me what you liked, if there's anything you'd like me to add in the future. This is going to be done in short one-shot style chapters. <3 Flo.


End file.
